Sometimes my head feels a bit chaotic. For a long time now I have gone through patches of internal 'noisiness', 3 or 4 days of feeling, sort of, floaty.
The best way to describe it is this; imagine that somebody turned gravity off inside your house. Everything you own is drifting upwards, large and small objects, food, pets, everything. Now for the first day it's almost amusing, sure you're a little worried that something might break, but overall it's kind of fun to experience something so different from the norm. Then, on day two, you realise that you miss the floor a little bit. It's hard to stay still when you have nothing firm to stand on. Day three, you're tired. You've been treading water in nothingness for 72 hours now. You can't sleep because nothing stays still and you can't find anything anymore because it's all drifted off, randomly colliding with other stuff creating clouds of objects that obscure the door ways and dull the light from outside. By day four, it's a mess. The house is a state, you are a state and you've neglected all of your responsablities. The only thing you've done for the past 3 days is try and distract yourself from the lack of tangible floor and stable gravity. Normally, by about day five, you notice a small change in the gravity, you begin to feel yourself being pulled towards the floor. Slowly everything starts to meander toward the carpet and then all at once, suddenly your falling, not gently sliding but full speed tumbling and it feels like you're falling forever. Day six, you hit the floor. You're bruised and tired but you're so relieved to finally feel something solid beneath your feet you don't even care that a lot of stuff is broken or damaged and everything is a mess, it doesn't matter that you'll spend the next few days sweeping up glass and righting furniture because at least there is floor! The next few days are a blur and before you know it everything is normal again, you've all but forgotten the feeling of uncontrollable floating. The thing is, you learn from it. And I have learnt how to store things more carefully in my mind and tie things down just in case! It doesn't stop me from longing for the floor when it happens though.
I know it's a slightly odd metaphor but honestly I don't know how else to describe it! I've learnt, over the years, how to prepare myself for the next time gravity takes a holiday. I don't know when it will come but I do know that it is always on its way. And so I prep. I practice quashing unwanted thoughts and rehearsing processes in my head, planning out 'emergancy procedures' for when I lose control of my brain.
Every time it's happens I cope differently (sometimes with very little elegance and grace!) But I always cope. I once spent 48 hours sat in a friend's armchair. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. While my friends were up we chatted and played cards, whilst they slept I watched indie films one after another trying to ignore my brain. I stayed glued to that armchair, unable to leave for fear I would simply float away forever. By the end of it all I was a wreck. My friends daughter brought me her blanket and I cried... A lot. I cried because I was tired, I cried because they had been so nice, I cried because I felt safe but mostly I cried because it was all over. The drums had stopped playing, the noise was a whisper and my heart was still beating. My boyfriend took me home and I slept. And I was fine.
Often feel as though I shot myself in the foot by not telling people about how my head feels sooner. I can't count the times I've wished I could go back in time and reassure past me that future me will be okay, that I am still coping and that I will always cope! How can I not when I know that so many people will support me? I coped before anyone knew and I'll continue to cope now everyone knows. Life may not be easy but as long as there are friends who are willing to let you play human statue in thier front room, it will be okay.