Have you ever left something so long that to come back to it seemed almost impossible? Well, ever a fan of impossible, I'm back!
Writing this post I feel some what like a naughty student returning to a lesson they truanted from for far to long - I'm not sure if you'll welcome me back or tell me off! Either way I'm here again.
It's been a long, unintentional hiatus and I'm not sure whether or not I want to tell you how much of an almighty mess and general struggle my life has been during this particular radio silence. The important thing is that I'm back now, sort of, maybe, I'm not sure. To be honest, life at the moment is a tad, well, wavy. Nothing seems particularly settled, yet nothing's particularly unsettled either and I've come to be at an awkward loose end, one in which I find myself asking 'Is something wrong, or am I just anxious?' regularly. I've changed medications recently(ish) and I wonder if this is to blame? Perhaps not.
I feel my life has always erred on the side of skew-whiff, never quite level. To be fair, it's not a bad thing to live life a little wobbly. Whether its my head or my hands, everything is always shaky, and yet it would be so boring without the wibble of my uncertain mind. I can't stop
thinking, and some of those thoughts, I protest, are not my own. Its a frustrating, mind-boggling, cog-turning way to live but I get to see things in the world that others don't.
And often an over active minds create the wildest of adventures, one of which I will share with you now:
A few weeks ago I was having an off day. What's new? I often have streaks of good followed by streaks of bad, it happens - life is a roller-coaster and all that jazz - but this day was particularly wibbly wobbly. I was in my parents shop and I started to see things. Now to bring you up to speed on the whole seeing things, thing, all I can say is: my brain is weird, I get anxious, I see things that aren't real, its normal for me, not so normal for you and I take the fore mentioned medication to combat this, I'm still testing it and some days it works, some days it doesn't. This day, it didn't.
So I'm in the shop wittering to myself about little men and jam, and then I see a 'vision' of Watchet in flames and decide to call my mum - because, ya know, who else would you call in an apocalypse? And she instructs me, lovingly, to come to her. She's at the community center and I'm in the high street - Which, if you know Watchet, is not that far, but I am struggling to keep grip of reality and this walk has now turned into a quest.
Que inspirational music.
I close up the shop successfully - first mission completed, lights off (checked 6 times), door locked (checked twice)
I traverse the alleyway - I can hear a herd of cows on the esplanade... on closer inspection, there are no cows, then with an army of imaginary little men chasing me, I quick march down the esplanade - not too fast, I don't want anyone to think I'm crazy - and come to the steps by the railway... *gasp*.. blue lava. 'I'm fire proof' I reassure myself and jog up the steps. I turn to look down the railway tracks to see a large non-descript dinosaur making train noises. I lose my nerve and call my mum. Explaining to my mum that I'm lost and wobbly, she guides me through the park. With her now reassuring me and the trees waving in and out, I listen to her advice - just keep walking she reiterates, I step over the spider-snakes (another imaginary foe) and meander towards my, now waving, mother. We find each other and I'm safe. I'm home. I've made it to my mum like the little lost duckling that I am.
There is no better grounding technique than being with people who are safe and loving.
I don't know what I'd do without my mum - I mean who else is able to guide a disorientated, dazed Deanna through the imaginary wilderness that is Watchet?
Only my Mum
So there you are little slice of adventure.
I hope you liked it.