Do you remember a blog post a while ago? It described a phenomenon that happens to some, but not all, Tourette-y people. It looks a lot like a fit but is, in fact, a rapid-fire tic episode that can leave its victim dazed, confused and exhausted. I am one of the unfortunate victims. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does the Tourette's fit, for me at least, can be devastating. It wipes me out for the rest of the day, and usually the day after as well, and can happen suddenly and without any particular warning. Usually, it's triggered by extreme stress, but sometimes it appears to have no specific cause.
Unfortunately, this Saturday, I had a Tourette's fit. It happened as it always does, quickly. One minute I was having a lie down ( I was feeling overwhelmed), the next I could feel my body shaking, my limbs jerking violently and my eyes rolling. It was soon over - although not without causing considerable concern to my housemates and partner. An episode like that always shakes me up (literally and emotionally) and during a Tourette's fit, there is not a lot anyone can do except watch and keep me safe. It is in fact, after the fit that the 'fun and games' start.
For a while after a fit I can be, well, a little 'spacey', I often find myself speaking in metaphors and I struggle to comprehend or express simple thoughts, it feels as though the voices in my head and I are panicking, chaotically, together. I feel disconnected and isolated, stuck alone in an imaginary world inside my head. It's confusing and noisy and everything feels foggy. My limbs and chest ache, as does my head and eyes and everything feels sort of heavy. This moment of vulnerability lends itself to a whole new set of issues.
During this patch it is very easy for me to slip into a PTSD episode, hearing, seeing and believing things that aren't real and being stuck in an anxious spiral. The longer I'm in this 'limbo stage' after an attack, the more unstable I get. The problem is that if you push too hard to bring me back into reality I will slip further and become more distressed and less lucid. Usually telling me stories and distracting me, the same as you would a child with chicken pox, seems to help but can also feel condescending if done wrong (its a bit of a minefield!). This Saturday, what helped me was remembering connections and loved ones, I want to share this technique with you now.
It was a while ago and I can't remember who taught me this technique - I think it was my counsellor through sixth form but I could be wrong! But essentially the technique is this: draw a picture assigning an object or 'part' to a person that you love, trust and feel safe around, eventually, you make a picture that represents safe, loving things. Its very simple and works well for me.
This particular time I was struggling with intrusive thoughts and I decided to use them as inspiration. Intrusive thought about falling off a mountain? Jordan is now a mountain - he's strong and stable and wears a lot of greys. Intrusive thought about the trees watching me? Bam, my dad is a tall oak tree, he loves summer and provides shade when life gets too hot!
Scared of the dark? My sister's the summer sun and my partner is a crescent moon. Fear that the winter will never end? My housemate is the spring and her daughter is a babbling brook that brings new life to this valley, Feeling lost and homesick? My mother is a country cottage, with a warm fire and kettle whistling, complete with rose vines climbing the sides and a picket fence out front.
There are more people in the picture but you get the idea, by the time I was finished I had drawn a peaceful, idyllic scene filled with thoughts of those who I rely on. It helped to calm and collect me, focusing on the positive parts of my chaotic life rather than the spacey feeling I was struggling with. Within half an hour or so I was feeling more grounded. By the evening I was back to myself, tired and shaken, but at least present!
Life with a condition like Tourette's is never easy, but the added hardship of PTSD can be a formidable combo. I don't know where I'd be without the support of my friends and family and without the gentle guidance of various counsellors - long term and short- over the years. I guess the main message is this, to stay grounded look to those who love you, they will give you good things to hold onto.