Me, during one of my ever changing/short identities
Do questions ever spin around in your head? Like one was chosen this morning as 'thought of the day'' and I've not been able to shake it off ever since. Today's question is "Why?", "Why am I like I am?
Now I don't mean that in a dramatic, hands to the sky, chin raised, 'Why me?' sort of way, just 'Why am I me?'. What makes me who I am? There's the obvious stuff, I'm a 20 year old, white female with Tourette's, and the less obvious stuff, like my inability to pronounce 'conscientious' or my particular love of cheese on toast despite my intolerance to dairy and wheat!
I find people facinating and infuriating and changeable. Through out my short life I have encountered many sides of the human race, from the incredibly kind to the incredibly cruel. I've seen people change, sometimes for better and I've seen life end. This makes me, me, I guess! My head isn't 'normal'. It never has been nor will be. And that also makes me.
A sociologist said that 'identity is preformance'. I guess I get that, you are what you do, right? But aren't you also what you feel? And I don't know about you, but my actions don't always match my feelings!
I suppose that I am many different 'mes', there's the me at home, the me at work, even the me around friends or family. By adopting these different identities I can function in different environments. I think most people do this, even with out realising. I think that we are all made up of all of our identities, although some we may feel more comfortable in than others, and this allows us to adapt throughout our lives.
I feel like I've changed my physical appearance countless times, besides my obsession with hair dye, I seem to struggle to maintain a fixed visual identity... I get bored! That said, the majority of my views have stayed pretty constant throughout the years... I think!? My perspective, however, has changed. The more I learn about myself, the reasons behind my way of thinking, the more comfortable I feel in my own skin. I'm starting to feel as if the tables are beginning to turn during a lengthy inward battle. I understand myself a little better now (now all I have to do is completely accept it!)
Some nights I wonder who I'll be tomorrow. Will I be Deanna on a good day or Deanna on a bad day? Will I be happy, will I make jokes? Will my words have any lasting impact?
Maybe I'm having a little identity crisis! Who knows, maybe I'll buy a motorbike and get a sugar daddy... Maybe not!