Why bother?

Recently I've been having an inward battle, one that has cropped up throughout my health journey, to pill, or not to pill.

For a long time now I've taken medication for various ailments including (but not exclusive to) my Tourette's. This internal debate started when I began to take citalopram, I was torn between proud of myself for making positive steps towards better mental health and disappointed in myself that I need to take them. For the first few weeks I felt ashamed of my pills, I felt like I was admitting that I couldn't do it all (which of course, realistically I can't). Eventually I got used to taking them and remembering that anxiety and depression are caused by chemicals helped me to view my pills logically - as a solution to a biological problem- not as little white tablets of guilt. 

So to my current dilemma. I take haloperidol, a sedative that is supposed to calm my tics and reduce sensory overload. The thing is, I hate them. I hate how only one dose does 'nothing' and two doses make me feel like Elton John (a true rocket man). I hate how they seem to sedate every part of me but my brain. I hate that they make me put on weight, and make me feel like a slug and break out! But most of all I hate the fact that I don't take them for my own benefit. I take my tablets in the vague hope that they will make me a little more normal for the benefit of others. Now I hear you say 'Deanna, don't medicate yourself to fit in!' but it's not that simple.

What people forget, about all illnesses, is that it doesn't just affect the sick person. When I have I bad day it affects my whole family. People's days are put on hold to deal with my condition. My bad mood brings everyone down and I cannot justify not taking my pills because 'I don't want to' when my pills (as much as I hate them) can prevent a bad day from turning into a terrible day. If I don't take my pills I make others lives more difficult.  

Not even strangers are safe if I 'go rogue'. As much as I would love to live in a world where noone even noticed my Tourette's, it's simply not how it works. My tics will always make old ladies jump and children giggle. The more I tic, the more people notice, the more people who seem to notice the ticcyer I get and so on and so forth, so if I can limit the initial tic with medication the whole 'public experience' is less stressful. 

My pills are due to change at the end of this month, hopefully I will take better to them and perhaps this little dilemma will go away, but until then, every morning, I will ask to pill or not to pill?!