I wrote this at 2am in hospital. I'm out of hospital now. I wasn't going to post this but my boyfriend reminded me that I want my blog to show all sides of tourettes and, by leaving bad days out, I'm 'sugar-coating' something I promised to be honest about. So here goes nothing!
I have plans. Places I want to go, things I want to achieve, I have dreams. My dreams and goals have changed as I've gotten older. When I was 4 I painted a picture of myself as a ballerina, I went to ballet lesson but didn't get very far. At 16 I applied to do youth work and was rejected. At 19 I moved out, got ill and then moved back in.
Life has a funny way of beating you when you're down... I try to keep this blog positive but honestly I can't think of anything good to say.
Work has asked me to go sick while they 'figure out' what to do about my tourettes and now I'm back in hospital awaiting and op I should have had several months ago...
I honestly don't know what to do. I have goals. I don't want to spend the rest of my life 'off sick'. I've had enough. I've fought for the past six years because of the mistakes of others. I didn't trigger my tourettes. I didn't misdiagnose me. I wasn't the one who left the stents in, or called HR into my employment. I didn't make the choices that have effected my life the most.
Everything just feels so pointless sometimes. All those things I want to do won't make a difference to my tourettes. No matter what I do I will never have 'normal problems'. Everything about me has to stand out in some way.
If I had a super power I'd choose to be able to fly. I could go to places no one else would think of and sit atop buildings watching people be ordinary. I just want to be ordinary. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine, I imagine if my head was quiet, my hands were still and my voice my own how much I could achieve. I could be great. I want to be great.
Maybe I'll never achieve everything I wanted to. I hope I'll achieve some of it, the only thing I can do is try