I've not written for a while, partly because I'm super busy, but mostly because I've been putting it off. It's not that I don't enjoy writing, it's just that sometimes my brain feels so busy that pinning down one idea to concentrate on is like wrestling with a cat in butter (Difficult and pointless). And so that, ladies and gents, is my excuse for my terribly inconsistent blogging style.
Originally I was going to call this post 'Procrastination Station' but then I procrastinated and wrote something else...
So a little catch up.
I'm not dead.
Those of you who know me know that I often respond to 'how are you?' with 'Not Dead'. Some people view this as a lazy response, others see it as cynical commentary. The truth is that the simple statement 'Not Dead' is a motto, a badge of honor if you will. The sentence 'Not Dead' holds 1 meaning for me; I have survived, therefore things can improve. When I see the words 'Not Dead', I see a small boat coming into port after a storm, the sail broken, the decks slippery and the crew sodden, but not dead! Still going! A quiet but triumphant act of rebellion against life's daily battles. A little broken, but not dead!
Some days I think we all feel a little dead. A little bit defeatist, a little bit flat, not fluffy (as anyone in my family would say). Life seems like a lot of effort for not a lot of reward. These days are days when catty comments feel a little bit sharper and mole hills feel like mountains. We all have fragile days and when you suffer with poor mental health those days seem to last weeks, months even.
Someone once told me 'suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem' ( I think it was mum) I agree, mostly, it's just, at least in my case, temporary is conditional of my life ending. Temporary is not a word that fits my situation. I will always have Tourettes, who knows, my last words might just be 'I don't want to be a pie!', but the best act of defiance I can demonstrate over my tic's is to face each day with the words 'I'm not dead.'
At times 'I'm not dead' seems like a bit of an escape from a conversation I don't want to have, it sounds so ungrateful but sometimes just the prospect of answering 'How are you doing today?' feels like a monolithic task. There are days when 'Not dead' is a cheerful glance at a stressful week where everything seems to have jumped around, turned upside down and then got back into place. But mostly 'Not Dead' is just an expression, a little motto, the 'Hakuna Matatata' to my squeaky Lion King.
Who knows, 'Not dead' might become the new #YOLO, however I doubt it.
So that's it. I'm not dead. I'm sorry I took so long to write.