I'd like to tell you about a current change in my life.
Now that I have my diagnosis, something strange has occurred; now an average day consists of a few noises and the odd head movement sporadically throughout the day. 'That's not bad', I hear you whisper, but my tics are more frequent than they've ever been. To explain this I'm going to take you back in time...
Ever since my first noticeable tic (the one and only invisible ukulele!) I have trained myself to keep my emotions as flat as possible because when I feel, I squeak! Because of this I am relatively talented at keeping my tics at bay for several days until finally exploding in a day long episode of extreme and violent ticing. 'But why do this to yourself?' I hear you sigh ( my, you're a very communicative audience!) put simply' fear.
Just before I was diagnosed with Tourettes I spent several weeks in hospital with a badly busted gal bladder. I was seriously ill and am quite lucky to still be here. Just before this I lost all control of my tics, something I had not done since sixth form, I was simply too tired and ill to keep hold of them, this lead me to a dark and dingy place in which I felt I was going completely insane, what kind of madman (or woman) can barely keep control of there vocal chords?! Naturally I kept this to myself, of course no sane person would tell another that they thought they were going nuts! I was scared. And then it all goes a bit fuzzy.
Several emergency operations later and I re-emerged a beautiful gall bladder-less butterfly, 3 stone lighter and very quiet. For weeks after being ill I never ticed once, we even thought that the anesthetic may have 'turned off' the tics! looking back on it i think life was so flat, I couldn't do things, I wasn't seeing people and life was very simple for a time and so I didn't trigger any tic's but again I felt miserable. Everyone congratulated me for the weight I'd lost and not dying and by week 2 I was sick of it. I didn't feel like myself. I didn't feel anything.
Slowly but surely my tics began to reappear until one shopping trip with my sister, where a packet of rainbow themed tissue paper triggered a torrent of forgotten tics, and it all came flooding back a week before my neurologist appointment (which I spent shouting at unsuspecting patients that 'we're going to die!') and that moment was one that changed my life for ever. Since then my tics have begun to level out and loiter at a manageable, if not noisy, balance.
For 6 years I have lived with a consent fear of madness, it has haunted me, I've questioned every thought, quirk and emotion. I've studied my own sanity frequently and have never come to a solid conclusion until now. The problem with squashing your emotions is that you can't squash one with out squashing all of them. Up until recently I have had to make a conscious decision whether to allow myself to let out my feelings or keep them hidden and it was making me miserable. But now I have a diagnosis, I have an answer and you can't get sectioned for Tourettes!
So yes, I am more squeaky than ever. I am far more likely to have a one off squeak in conversation now than I ever have been but I'm also more likely to cry with laughter, speak passionately and walk taller than I have in a long, long time. I finally feel like I can actually be myself, I don't have to hide my emotions. And so I have released many of my tics and I am a walking noise machine but a happy walking noise machine at that.
I am ready now to show the world the real me in all of my twitchy glory. It's time to stop worrying and start doing! I hope you'll all join me in deciding to face each day with everything that you've got.
This Kraken is officially released!